Seeing clearly through the Pride

For the past few years I’ve grown more accustomed to this blanket of pride that I let envelope my life. Not so much the pride in thinking I am better and I know better than everyone else. But the pride that causes the San Andreas fault to divide my life in jagged sides. The pride that tells me that I am better and I know better than God himself. This is dangerous ground to say the least. These seeds of doubt aren’t fully succumbing to the world that I don’t believe in the God who created all this from nothing, I honestly do believe in Him. But, to slowly take that power out of His hands and put that raw power into my hands.

I know and am convicted to know that the power is not the same vibrant power that God possesses, but a lesser power to control my life; or what seems like control; but is really a fractured state of mind that takes all the power out of this life. God, who needs him? This, is a scary scary question to ask, and I find myself asking this question too many times. Most likely not out loud as I don’t want anyone to know that I’m asking this of my; of our God. The hardest part of the whole thing is that I can see my God through this veil of pride with tears streaming down his face, longing for me to walk towards him and not away with my head turned watching the gap between us growing darker and deeper.

Listening to this coversation in my heart and in my mind reminds me of lyrics masterfully crafted by Jars of Clay in the song Worlds Apart.

“I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all adds up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
To give and die”
More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/j/jars_of_clay/#share

This is such a beautiful picture of the state that we live in all too often. Like the story of Icarus, the wings his father Daedalus fashioned to fly with were adhered to his body with wax, and with a warning of his father not to fly too high. But, while flying above the earth, the sheer excitement of flying clouded his judgement and he went higher and higher despite the loving warning, and fell to his death to the sea below. This story, as in the lyrics of Worlds Apart, remind me so much of the story I find myself in. Feeling free to explore further than warned by my loving God and Father, finding myself in peril too many times. Flapping my arms with the wings I thought I had, all the while finding myself in a deep dark pit of despair wonderig where my Father went.

This place of brokenness is humbling, and so brings on the asking my Father for help. Feeling afraid that he may shy away from my request, but He swoops down and rescues me into his arms of love. To be humbled, and to accept that humbleness is a leap back from that scary, prideful mess that I get myself into. I find it freeing that I am loved despite what I do and the choices I make. I admit that I am still a far way off from living my whole life out of that love, but I accept it now and I pray for the strength to hold firm to this realization and live my life remembering that we don’t live to gain victory, but that we live a life that has been victoriously won by Jesus on the cross, already!

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